Family Night in a Basket

Last night after wrestling my younger two children to sit still while my eight year old presented the family home evening lesson that she had worked so hard to prepare I thought to myself "what's a girl to do to get the little ones to sit still and listen...even for five minutes?" And then, after our activity and treat we put the kids to bed and I checked my facebook.  And, I found the answer to all my "sit still and listen" woes...laundry baskets.  Yes, laundry baskets.  Oh, and popcorn.  My friend posted this picture last night with this caption:
"FHE- put the kids in their own basket, give them a bowl of popcorn. They don't bug each other and they listen great to the lesson."

Thank you. You smart, smart ,woman. There is now more hope for all family home evening lessons of the future. Think of all the great things you could teach them if they just sit still and stay in the baskets :) 

Highs and Lows

A few years ago some friends of ours passed on a simple little tradition that they used in their family.  It's called HIGHS and LOWS.  The principle is so simple really but for some reason it really struck me as a good way to connect as a family. 

Every night at dinner they would go around the table and share what their "HIGH" and "LOW" points of the day were.  (I probably don't need to explain this to you but it took my son quite a while to make the connection.  Highs are the best part and lows and the worst part.) The object was that by the end of dinner they had a little bit of insight into each other's lives, feelings, challenges, and joys.

So, we tried it out.  Sometimes I already know what my husband or my kids are going to say.  But, sometimes I am completely surprised and I find out about some problem or something exciting in thier lives that I may have otherwise missed.  It keeps us talking at dinner and that's important family time.

And now, years later, it's become tradition in our house.  After the prayer is said and everyone has food on their plate the kids announce "HIGHS AND LOWS!" and then we begin the rounds.  My toddler decided that "HIGH LOW" would be one of her first words and announces it enthusiastically from her high chair.  I like the fact that it at least gives everyone a turn to be heard.

Try it out. Just one more way to connect at the dinner table.

Accolades

I used to teach kindergarten.  Sometimes kindergartners don't want to sit still, or listen, or follow directions. (Do you know any kids like that?...maybe some of them live in your house.) And sometimes when I had reminded a particular child to do a certain thing seventy eight times I wondered if perhaps my voice sounded like Charlie Brown's mom...(you know his mom, right?  Well, she sounds like this..... wahp wahp wahp wahp wahp, waaaah wah wah waaah wah)  I have no idea what she was saying to Charlie Brown in all those episodes but I think that was the point.  Sometimes people just don't really want to hear lectures about what they are doing wrong.

Now, back to teaching kindergarten.  During my first year of teaching I discovered a magical technique.  This little strategy produced more obedient kids than eighty seven lectures combined.  It was so simple. Ready, here it is......... I praised the kids who were being obedient.  I know, it sounds unimpressive,  But, it was great.  It went like this:

Me: OK, I need everyone sitting still with their hands in their laps and mouths quiet

Kindergartens: (half of them obey, the other half flop on the floor, walk up to ask me a question, or otherwise completely ignore the fact that they are in a classroom)

Me:  Wow, look at Sara!  She is sitting so quietly with her hands still in her lap!

Sara beams and five other floppy kids look up from their position on the floor with interest

Me:  And look at Joey!  He's doing exactly what he should be right now.  He's still and quiet and ready to do the next fun thing.  Good job Joey.

Joey beams.  Now the really floppy kids are interested and start moving into the correct position.  They start looking at the kids who were being praised and trying to position themselves in that way.  Then, when they are all finally ready I say:

"Good, now Sara and Joey and Katie and Johnny and all of my kindergarters are ready and looking great."

It was almost unreal.  I could have asked those kids fourteen times to sit down and be still and it wouldn't have worked. But making obedience seem so special and praiseworthy got them where they needed to be in a few seconds.

Now, don't get me wrong.  I don't think we need to praise kids for every little correct move that they  make.  But, there was some magic in recognizing the good behavior.  It made the obedient kids proud.  It gave the others a little motivation to do what they should...maybe they would get noticed too.

Well, to make a long story short, one night I was pondering what I could do to help my own child be more obedient.  Because I really don't like lecturing and telling them what NOT to do all day long.  Suddenly the thought came to me:

I SPEND TOO MUCH TIME TELLING MY KIDS WHAT THEY SHOULD DO, WHAT THEY SHOULD STOP DOING, AND HOW I WISH THEY WOULD OBEY

And frankly, just not enough time telling them what they do that is great. 

 They really are great and sometimes I am so worried about whether their rooms are clean or if they are sharing their toys that I forget to mention the good stuff.  I heard one time that you should say seven positive things for every negative in order to leave someone with an overall positive impression.  Do I say seven positive things to my kids for every negative?  I think not.

So, I decided to start a new family tradition....ACCOLADES (which pretty much just means compliments or praise).  It's a little jar with some slips of paper and a pen next to it.  The idea was that we would just write down the good that we saw in each other...the simple stuff.

Dad helped with dinner when mom was tired.

My daughter ran up the stairs and got a diaper for me for the baby.

My son told me how much he loved me.

My daughter told a joke that made us all laugh.

Once the accolade was written down (which took about ten seconds) it went into the jar until Sunday.  Then, on Sunday we would make some kind of treat together and sit down and read those accolades while we ate it.  The kids beamed.  Sometimes they wanted to keep every little slip of paper.  They looked forward to hearing the great things that we had noticed about them every week.  We encouraged the kids to write things down too.  And just to make sure that everyone was recognized I tried to write one or two things about each child before I went to bed every night.  It was sweet (maybe that had something to do with the desserts we were eating).  But it was also uplifting and happy and positive for those moments.  Everyone was important and no one was in trouble.  We all left feeling that way you do when someone gives you a genuine compliment.

We did this for quite a while and then we skipped one week, and then we skipped another, and soon we had forgotten all about it. But, I missed it.  And my kids missed it too. Sometimes they would ask when we could have accolades again.  It wasn't complicated.  It wasn't hard.  And, it produced good, happy, results.  So, we've decided to start up again.  One little jar, some slips of paper, and pen.  And I'm asking myself right now "What did my family do RIGHT today?"

What did your family do right today?

Focus Time

I heard a story the other day about a little boy who was trying to talk to his grandpa.  Grandpa was reading the newspaper and, like we often do, thinking about grown up concerns and issues while he "listened." After apparently feeling that he wasn't getting the attention he deserved, the little boy pulled the newspaper down, put his hands on both of his grandpa's cheeks, looked straight into his eyes and asked "GRANDPA, ARE YOU IN THERE?!"

I know how that grandpa feels.  Sometimes I will suddenly realize that while one of my children is reciting every detail about his or her day, my mind is drifting between what I will be making for dinner and how we will plan for retirement.

My kids deserve my attention but to be quite honest sometimes I need to remind myself to listen.  I've come to realize that just being in the same room will in no way guarantee that I get to know my children's hopes and dreams and concerns. I need to FOCUS!

And just as this thought was beginning to drift into my wandering mind I happened to run across the blog of a friend of ours.  She had posted about a recent mommy and son date where the only real activity planned was to focus on her little boy.  It was, quite simply, FOCUS TIME. 

Here's an example:
She needed to go to the grocery store.  So, she decided to make this a "FOCUS DATE" with her son.  She took ONLY HIM to the store.  And, instead of rushing through the store and trying to keep him occupied with something else, she made the trip about him.  He helped her with the list.  They looked at everything he wanted to look at.  He directed the conversation and she actively responded to his comments about his favorite cereal with things like "really, I didn't know that about you. what do you love about it?  What else do you love to eat?" etc.  And she didn't hurry, and it was a date, note a chore.

She accomplished a job while really connecting with her child.  Sure, it took longer.  But it meant alot more. 

So, I decided to try it out.  I made a date with my daughter for a Saturday when my husband could be home.  We had a few errands to run and she was pleased that it was just the two of us who would be going.  After the errands were complete, we wandered around the mall and talked about what we liked.  We got free chocolate samples from a candy store, and we tried to find a music store just so that we could look at voilins...because she just wanted to.  There was really no "ACTIVITY" planned.  But for several hours I just listened to her talk about whatever she wanted and focused on showing her that what she was saying mattered to me.  And at the end of our outing I had been reminded that she is more than just a little kid.  She is an incredible little person with her own thoughts and ideas and her own little life. 
How often should I do this?  Well, I think as much as I possibly can.  At least once a week whenever possible. Take some time to make a conscious effort to just focus.  Obviously it can't always be a few hours long.  Maybe a twenty minute focuse session.

HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO:

1-CHOOSE A TIME THAT YOU AND YOUR CHILD CAN HAVE A DATE.  ANY ACTIVITY THAT YOU CAN DO TOGETHER.  FIX THEIR BIKE, GO GROCERY SHOPPING, GO ON A WALK.  DO NOT MAKE IT FANCY!!! I REPEAT, DO NOT MAKE IT FANCY!!!  This is not about the activity at all really.  It's about your attention.  I used to love to go to the dump with my dad to drop off junk...case in point.

2- DON'T BRING ANYONE ELSE.  Other siblings, friends, etc. will take the attention from your child.  Find away to make this a date for two.

3- DO NOT TRY TO HURRY.  Take your time, give all of your attention and thoughts to what your child is saying and doing.

4- FOCUS AND ENJOY!  Let your child be center stage.  Don't talk on your phone or text or worry about anything else for the moment.  Just enjoy being together and listen.

THAT'S IT!  Plan a focus date with your child today and find out what you've been missing.

My hope?  The more that they see that I'm listening, the more they will want to tell me.  And every conversation will deepen our connection as a family.

Sweet Talk

One of my favorite Sunday happenings at our house is "Sweet Talk". And, because is involves candy and undivided attention from one parent, it is something that my kids look forward to too. "Sweet Talk" is really just a way to connect with our kids.

I know we all talk to our kids...you know, "how was school?", "did you get your room clean", "Do you want oatmeal or cereal?"...etc. But, sometimes I have to stop and realize that is has been a while since I had a real heart to heart with my 3 year old. When was the last time you asked your kids what they want to be when they grow up, what they are most looking forward to in life, or what they would like to see change in your family?...or any other question about their thoughts, insights, and feelings about life?


With that in mind, all that "Sweet Talk" is is a bowl of M&M's and a lot of great conversation. The kids get to pick which parent they want to talk with and together they go sit down in a quiet spot (or just lay down on the living room floor) and mom or dad starts asking questions. When the child answers a question, they get to eat an M&M. And you just keep going until the M&M's are gone (and sometimes the parent gets to eat some of the treats too :)


















I will admit, when I first tried this I actually sat there stumped a few times...I had my child as a captive audience and I wasn't sure what to ask. So, I made up a list of questions to use. But, as we got more used to talking about things other than daily to do's I became more able to think up questions on a whim. And now, I love to hear about what kind of fairy my seven year old wishes that she was or what my 3 year old's favorie episode of Thomas the Train is.

So, if you want to connect with that fascinating little child of yours, here are some questions to get you started.